I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Blog

            Yes, I realize it has been months since a blog post.  Yes, I realize you assumed that I had moved on from the idea of having a blog.  Yes, I realize nobody is actually going to read this.  Yes, I realize that if I no that nobody will read this than I am currently talking to myself.  Yes, I realize that talking to yourself is one of the signs of insanity.  Yes, I realize this introduction bit has gone on long enough and has stopped being funny, if it ever actually was funny.

            Now with that out of the way let’s get right down to it.  I do not like the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.  I have recently been thinking about and dissecting this song in my head (not really sure why…probably that insanity thing) and I have come up with plenty of things I find disturbing about this song that might not be so obvious at first.  Only have a lot of unnecessary thought was I able to break this song down to the horrible Christmas song it is.  Now, you are lucky enough to get a peek at the inner workings of my brain (at least as far as this song is concerned).

            Let us first assume that the Mommy is just kissing Daddy dressed up as Santa Claus.  This seems to be the most common take on the song.  Even though it is actually Daddy, the kid still thinks it is Santa.  That being said, I can assure you the kid thinks his dad can beat up Santa (probably says it all the time on the playground).  The proof is in this line: “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”.  This disturbs me a little, because not only does this kid think Daddy would beat up Santa, but he thinks it would be funny (obvious this kid has been allowed to watch too many violent movies).  So now, we have a kid who thinks they just saw Mommy cheat on Daddy and he thinks it would be funny to see Daddy beat up Santa.  But this little kid is even more messed up than that.  This kid doesn’t even call mom out for cheating.  I have a theory on that, and it is based on this kid being a selfish little brat.  You see, even though this kid thinks it would be funny to watch Daddy beat up Santa, the kid also secretly wants Santa to be their new Daddy.  Why you ask?  Well, so this brat can have Christmas everyday.  This kid wants real Daddy out of the picture if it means presents and cookies everyday.  Let us remember, this is just how wrong this song is from the kid’s perspective.  Hold on to your Christmas sweater as we delve into Mommy’s psyche.

            For this we will have to look at the song from the less common angle, that Mommy is kissing the actual Santa Claus.  This means that not only Mommy is messed up, but that Santa is too.  Firstly, I know the obvious is the age difference (Santa is what, like 900 yrs old?).  Since it is so obvious, I will not go into detail about it.  The most disturbing thing to me is that both Santa and Mommy are cheating home wreckers.  Both are married (Santa has been with Mrs. Clause for close to a millennia) and both are sneaking around at night behind their respective spouses’ back.  All this while the kid is watching.  In Mommy’s defense, she may not realize the kid is up but Santa knew (because he sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake).  So, Santa is obviously aware he is breaking up a happy home yet he doesn’t seem to care.  Mommy obviously doesn’t care either and apparently the kid is just snickering about the thought of Daddy beating up Santa (see previous paragraph).

            If you ask me, let’s rename this song to “I Saw Cheating Mommy Kissing Homewrecker Santa”.  I say we get rid of the Christmas Infidelity song altogether.  If you want a Christmas song where a little kid sings it may I suggest “All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth” or “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”.  These are both better alternatives, plus they are cuter because the kids have speech impediments (I can say that because I was a kid with a speech impediment, if you didn’t have a speech impediment than you need to keep those kinds of comments to yourself).

 Here is wishing you a Merry Christmas,

-LD

Spoonful of Blog

Alright, if you know me then you know that I love breakfast foods.  One breakfast food that I could talk about for quite awhile is cereal.  Heck, I’ve had plenty of conversations just about cereal.  Now, I do plan to have several blogs based on just cereal so, since I plan on writing several blogs about cereal I will do my best to focus on just one type of cereal per blog.  That brings me to the very difficult decision of choosing which cereal will be first.  Actually, it isn’t that difficult now that I think of it.  The honor of being first should go to my favorite cereal.  The cereal with the taste you can see (I hope some of you have already guessed which cereal this is).  In fact, I crave those crazy squares (you should know by now).  Cinnamon Toast Crunch will have the honor of the first cereal blog written by me (guess it isn’t that big of an honor…now that I see it written out).

Those Crazy Squares

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is definitely my favorite cereal.  It has been for as long as I can remember.  Not only is Cinnamon Toast Crunch delicious with milk (I prefer the rich taste of whole milk with my cereal) but Cinnamon Toast Crunch is also absolutely fantastic dry.  In fact, I find it hard to keep Cinnamon Toast Crunch on hand.  It is so tasty I either eat bowl after bowl or if I don’t have any milk I will eat it handful after handful.  I would actually say that when I buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch and bring it home, I tend to eat at least one bowl right then and there before I even put it away in the cupboard.  In fact, just because I am typing this right now, 2 things are happening.  One, my mouth is beginning to water at the thought of those delicious cinnamon and sugar swirled squares.  Two, I am already planning to buy a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch today…maybe 2 boxes to be safe.

Obviously a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

As I had previously stated, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has been my favorite cereal for as long as I can remember.  You may think it strange at first, but I have fond memories of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  You see, the first person to introduce me to Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my Grandma.  In fact, she always seemed to have a box on hand for me.  It seems every time I went over there I would ask my Grandma for a bowl…and she never said no.  This actually led to an ongoing joke then with my Grandpa.  You see, I would always ask my Grandma for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch but I would never ask Grandpa (I think I was worried he would say no).  So, every once in a while Grandpa would over hear me asking Grandma for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and he would say, “Hold up, come here and ask me.”  Well, I would shyly walk over and ask him and he would sit there silent for what seemed like an eternity (probably 30 seconds tops but I was a kid) before he would finally smirk and say yes.  I eventually did learn to alternate back and forth with who I asked.  A very fond…and tasty memory of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

I have once heard a comedian, Mike Birbiglia, describe Cinnamon Toast Crunch as crack.  He used this analogy because much like a crack addict, he didn’t buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch for a later time.  When Mike bought a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch he wanted it for now, not a later date.  I know…the way I described it made it seem very unfunny, so I found a very grainy video of it on youtube and I have attached the link.  The Cinnamon Toast Crunch bit is at the very end…but it is only 2:25 so it isn’t that much of a waste of time. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOJXwBAxZQI ) With that I will conclude this Cinnamon Toast Crunch blog…hopefully to soon be enjoying a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

For those of you counting, I typed Cinnamon Toast Crunch 21 times,

-LD

My Car is Alive Blog

Now, I don’t mean my car is alive like K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider, though I do wish it would talk to me in the voice of Mr. Feeney (no offense to Val Kilmer but I didn’t watch the remake…or the original).  My car also hasn’t begun doing also tricks like the Gadgetmobile or the Batmobile.  Nor has my car begun butting into my personal life to help me solve a problem like Herbie.  You may be wondering how in the world my car could be alive.  You may think you have it figured out.  There really aren’t that many other options.  I am trying to build suspense but it really doesn’t work in a blog that is only 3-5 paragraphs anyways.  I could just never tell you but that defeats the purpose of the blog.  Ok, just skip on past the pictures and read the next paragraph.

K.I.T.T. and the Hoff

I see you follow directions well; I appreciate that quality in a reader.  You may be thinking that the only other way my car could be alive is if it was a Transformer.  Let me assure you it is not (at least that I am aware of).  But, if it was you can just about guarantee that it would be just as disappointed in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as everybody else.  Actually, an argument could easily be made that the first movie wasn’t all that great but I maintain that at least the first one was entertaining and had a little more that just special effects.  But, I must digress because this isn’t about Transformers.  If it was I would’ve started off with something more like “Autobots, roll out” or more likely I would’ve quoted lyrics from Touch by Stan Bush (the song from the animated movie in the 80’s).  I do secretly hope that you now have, “You’ve got the touch, you’ve got the power” stuck in your head.  But, you must continue on to finally find out how my car is alive (another suspense attempt).

If you don't know who this is I'm not going to tell you.

 Alright, we both (I assume there will only be 1 reader) know that the suspense attempt were mere gimmicks.  So let me just get right down to it, my car has feelings.  I know this because I obviously hurt my cars feelings.  I made a decision to passively car shop for a car that got better gas mileage since I have a decent sized commute everyday for work.  My car must’ve heard my discussion with my dad because it is now getting approximately 1.5 mpg better than it was.  It is obviously trying to avoid being traded in.  Now, I kind of feel bad for it, but not bad enough to stop looking for a new one.  I’m pretty sure the only way I will stop looking for a new one is one or more of the following happens.  My car becomes a Transformer.  My car begins to talk to me.  My car starts doing crazy things like the Gadgetmobile, Batmobile, or the Magic School Bus.  Lastly, my car fixes its air-conditioning.  I highly doubt any of these will happen so I am still on the lookout for a good car deal.

I would apologize for wasting your time, but if you chose to read this then you should’ve known what you were getting yourself into.

-LD

Bloggle Bloggle Bloggle

Let me start off by saying that grammar and sentence structure are no fun.  The lack of blog post could be blamed on my enrollment in school, thus I’ve been too busy with class work.  While this is the most logical and truthful reason; I prefer the following explanation.  I believe that I was in fact a sleeper agent for the Soviets.  I know it seems improbable since I am not Russian but go with me on this.  I believe that they (the Soviets) have been making me use any free time I may have on creating an idiot-proof way to make communism work.  I believe that after 2 months of trying with no results that they have moved on to the next sleeper agent on the list.  I digress, because you don’t want to hear of my attempts to idiot-proof communism, you want another mind numbing blog, so here goes.

Power to the Proletariat...(Seriously, I'm not a commy) 

Some of you may or may not know this (very few do because I haven’t really been advertising it), but I have recently started P90X yet again.  This is my 3^rd attempt to make it through all 90 days and I am quite optimistic about my chances.  Let us first quickly recap why the first two attempts failed.  The first time I attempted this 90 feat it was with some friends of mine (you know who you are, but incase you forgot you are: Nick and Melissa Highley and Jennifer Thomas).  Well, not to point fingers (Nick) but when one of the members of our workout group began to quit I too quit.  I know that is a lame excuse but it is true.  The second attempt was just under a year and a half ago.  I thought for sure I would complete all 90 days since I had an accountabilibuddy (few will get this joke but those who do, I tip my hat to you).  Even with Brad Thomas (that’s right, I called you out too) as my accountabilibuddy, there was just one thing that made completing those 90 days impossible.  Some may be asking what that one thing was, many already know.  Well, for those who didn’t already know, that one this was a ruptured disc in my lower back.  After more than a year though I am ready to begin this 90 day journey again, but you may be wondering what in the world this title has to do with P90X.  Be patient and keep reading.

Tony kind of scares me...

If you were guessing that bloggle bloggle bloggle was referring to turkey than congrats to you my friend.  Now for the big connection between turkey and P90X which would be…I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for continuing to read my blog despite the extended absence…the P90X diet plan (I know, most disappointing lead up of the year).  I am currently in the first stage of P90X and the diet plan, which is a high lean protein and low carb and dairy sort of diet.  Pretty much that means I get to eat lots of turkey products.  In one day, I had 5 different forms of turkey:  turkey burger, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, turkey jerky, and turkey deli meat.  One may become quite hateful towards turkey after so much.  I know I was quite hostile towards it, cursing the turkey bacon letting it know that it wasn’t really bacon.  I then had an aha moment (Mutual of Omaha should do a commercial starring me, because my aha moment was actually an aha moment unlike the vast majority of the ones in their commercials).  My epiphany to my turkey troubles was the realization that the more turkey burgers, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, and turkey jerky I ate, that meant that when I finally had the real thing it was going to make actual burgers, actual bacon, actual sausage, and actual jerky taste that much better.  This realization has helped me choke down turkey bacon burger with a little less disdain towards turkey.  May this help us all in our diet related angst.

Don't read too much into this picture, I like Charlie Brown and there is a turkey in it.

I want to apologize for the Soviets keeping me away from my blog and filling a few minutes of your time with some pointless ramblings.  I know, even though you may not admit it, that you missed these posts and that your lives were hollow and meaningless without them.  I want to assure you, provided that the Soviets don’t claim my free time once more, that I shall continue to provide fullness and meaning to your lives with my blog.

Gobble gobble,

LD

Post-it® Blog-it

Now, when I first started this blog I had no intention of using it to vent, but I’m guessing it was inevitable. If you are confused by what I could possibly have to vent about that involves the little, square, yellow (sometimes other colors and shapes) office supplies, then you should just brace yourself. I promise that even though I am using my blog to expel some discontent, I will keep it entertaining. With that being said, just sit back and listen (well, read).

I want to apologize if the title is misleading because the truth is I have no problem with Post-it® notes at all. In fact, I love Post-it® notes and my frustration is a result of my current employer switching to a different brand. For those who don’t know, a quick side-note about my job. I am a financial processor at Lincoln Financial and I work in a locked room at cubicle. I use various office supplies which Lincoln offers, including sticky notes. (I am not able to divulge any more information due to the highly confidential nature of my job). But, enough about me and my job because I’m sure you are on the edge of your seat waiting to find out what Lincoln switched to instead of Post-it®. Well, in the style of Ryan Seacrest (such a tool) you will have to wait until after the break (which just means the next paragraph).

Stickies™. Lincoln switched to a paler yellow sticky note from Staples® called Stickies™. Note only are they a paler yellow (which I personally find ugly) but the adhesive on them is atrocious. I quite literally have written notes on them and stuck them to the outside of my computer monitor only to have to continually re-attach them because they constantly come unstuck. It is quite the annoyance and way below my expectations of an adhesive note. It has come to the point that I am not only ranting about it online, but I have seriously contemplated purchasing my own personal supply of Post-it® notes to use at work. Staples® Stickies™ are such a poor product that I am making a statement to all of you who have accidentally happened upon this blog and for some reason kept reading, “Do not purchase Staples® Stickies™”. This is more of a warning than a command.

I would like to thank Arthur Fry for inventing the Post-it® note, and a special thanks to Spence Silver (sounds like a TV Character from the 60’s) who invented the glue on the back. I know, you thought it was Romy and Michele who invented them, but then you would just be one who was mislead by an 80’s movie. It is ok, because that can happen to the best of us. Much like an 80’s movie, Post-it® notes are iconic. You have never heard of somebody Stickies™-ing (that sounds so wrong) somebody’s car. In fact, many refer to all adhesive notes as Post-it® notes regardless of brand (much like they do with Kleenex® in regards to facial tissues). In fact, I myself have had some fun times with Post-it® notes. I have used them (more than once) as a way to add some decoration to a friend’s apt (each note having its own special message on it). But, as you can see from the lovely pictures I have added (for those who don’t like to read) there are many things Post-it® notes can be used for, all of which are quite creative.

I will end this post now before one of two things happen. Either I get really preachy about the importance of Post-it® and start an uprising against Staples® and the Stickies™. Option two is I get overly emotional and sentimental as I begin to recall all the times I have used Post-it® notes. It is also a good time to end because I am pretty darn close to being about the usual length of my other blog posts.

If you need to remember something, don’t just write it down, Post-it® (3M should pay me for that slogan)

-LD

It's a Bird...It's a Plane...No, It's LD's Blog

I am not Superman.  I know, you may just be thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I know you’re not Superman, you can’t fly and you don’t have X-ray or heat vision, you don’t have they curly cue or super strength or speed.”  All of this is correct but I was told I look like young version of Superman’s secret identity, Clark Kent, so I felt it necessary to assure you I am not the Man of Steel.  I will be including multiple pictures of actors who have portrayed Superman so you can decide for yourself, but I think it was just a far stretch for a compliment.

George Reeves

Christopher Reeve

When she told me I looked like a young Superman I thought it was absurd.  The funny thing is though, that even though I thought it to be absurd, I was still flattered by it.  In fact, I was quite flattered by it, enough so that I was still thinking about it 2 days later which is why I am typing up this here blog post.  Though, just to be clear, I haven’t been dwelling on whether or not I look like Superman these past 2 days.  I was mostly just reminded about it when I saw one of the more recent actors to portray the Man of Steel in another movie I rented on Netflix.  I rented Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, (Which is good, but I have a feeling I would’ve liked it a lot more had I been 22 when I was watching it) and Brandon Routh was in it as a Vegan (which I am the exact opposite of; I am what you call a Meatatarian, a term coined by Wendy’s in their Baconator commercials. There may be a Baconator vs BK Stacker blog in the near future).  So, the combination of seeing Brandon Routh and being reminded of my recent compliment has resulted in this post.

Brandon Routh

 I don’t plan to discuss the other Superman actors or really even Superman himself, which would be too predictable and mundane.  Actually, I am reminded of Metro Man (voiced by Brad Pitt who I know I look nothing like) from Megamind.  Metro Man is essentially Superman which is the loose connector I am going to use to segway into talking about Megamind which I recently saw at the dollar theater (for $3).  I was a bit apprehensive about this movie because I have rarely liked any star studded DreamWorks animated films, such as:  Madagascar 1 & 2, Over the Hedge, All but the first Shrek, and then most others I had no interest in seeing such as Monsters vs Aliens and Flushed Away.  This being said, I found Megamind to be quite entertaining and surprisingly enough, it wasn’t completely predictable.  If DreamWorks can continue to make films like Megamind and Kung Fu Panda I may just start trusting them.  Maybe, but there its going to take a lot of good to put them anywhere near Pixar, who I’ve learned to no longer doubt (though Cars 2 looks iffy).  Not sure where I was hoping to go with that but I’m going to end it with a recommendation to go out and rent Megamind whenever it comes out.

Dean Cain

Tom Welling

I didn’t include the newest Superman, Henry Cavill, because his movie/show hasn’t come out yet.  That being said, I wish they would’ve rebooted Superman years ago instead of doing Superman Returns because I really liked the cast in that.  I thought Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey were perfect casts.  But, I guess it is just cool to reboot everything now.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me enlighten you.  Another recent superhero movie franchise is being rebooted soon as well, Spiderman.  I take this one a little harder because I, like most, thought that the first two movies were excellent and only the third one was hard to watch.  I can understand replacing actors and ignoring the third movie but it seems so soon to do a total reboot.  It was less that 10 years ago that I saw Peter Parker first get bit by the mutated spider, and now I have to do that all over again?  I just don’t see the need to do a full reboot.  Just an upgrade is all we need.  For those who thought I was talking about Tron when I was talking about reboots, you are wrong on multiple accounts.  One, I was talking about Spiderman not Tron. And two, Tron Legacy is a continuation of the original Tron movie, not a reboot.  Since Disney has it’s hands on Tron you should expect to see at least one or two more of those in the near future.  But, Disney should be redeeming the Pirates franchise soon enough.  I feel I have begun to ramble to a point that is no longer entertaining.  With that I will end this post.

I am not Superman, but I do have an alter ego,

-LD

Blogsight is 20/20

Did everybody miss me?  Ok, guess you didn’t realize I hadn’t pumped out a post in more than a month.  Does this hurt my feelings?  No because you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (though they also say out of sight out of mind, so I’m not sure if “they” are a trustworthy source for quips of advice).  I believe my month long hiatus was well deserved after a 12 day non-stop Christmas Special themed blog series.  You may be wondering what any of this has to do with the title, and that would be nothing.  Sorry for boring you with a bit of an intro talking about my return from my break.  At least I didn’t do the super corny and lame thing and wish everybody a Happy New Year (wait, does that count as saying it?).

If you guessed, this blog post is about eyesight (not hindsight because that would be more of a year in review kind of thing and that’s just isn’t me).  Well, this post is inspired, like my other posts, by a real life event in my life.  It was a couple of weeks ago when I went in to get my eyes examined.  It was one of the luckiest eye exams I have ever had; well, as lucky as an eye appointment can get.  Firstly, some of you may not know but I have extremely bad eyesight.  I hide it well though…I wear contacts.  I actually wear the 30 Night and Day lenses (not to be confused with 30 Days of Night, which is a horrible movie about Alaskan Vampires) which have been approved for continuous wear.  Anyways, point being I hardly ever wear glasses.  I also play a game when I wear my glasses which will be further discussed later.

Seriously awful movie, I believe I fell asleep during it, like I did when I tried watching 300.

Back to the lucky eye appointment, well, firstly I found out that I had overcome an astigmatism in my left eye.  Now, the astigmatism really didn’t bother me much except that the contacts had to be specialty and thus more money.  So, my left eye basically manned up and fixed itself to save me money.  Also, something that was pretty darn cool about my contacts during this appointment is that after the exam, my left and right contact prescriptions were the exact same.  I believe that was the first time that had ever happened in my life.  It may seem pretty insignificant to you who don’t wear contacts but for us contact wearers, it is really exciting.  For the next year or so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m putting the correct contact into the correct eye.  I am trying my best to withhold my excitement about this but just so you know, I am actually as giddy as a school girl (which I hear is pretty darned giddy).  Now, I’m giddy about my cheaper and matching contacts, but that’s not where the luckiness ends.

Normally I have to get my eyes dilated which means I have to wear those really dark shades and light will give me a headache for the next few hours afterwards.  Well, you guessed it; I didn’t have to get my eyes dilated.  Since my optometrist was in a hurry since it was the end of the day she opted to do the digital imaging of my eyes, which normally costs $35.  That’s right, I saved money on my contacts, I got a $35 procedure for free, and I didn’t have to wear those stupid dark shades and I could enjoy watching TV headache free (well, depending on what I watched).  Now, I’m pretty well set as far as my eyes go, I just need to get a new pair of glasses.

Just adding a caption for poops and chuckles.

Well, I know you all skipped down to this part to find out what game I play when I wear my glasses.  I will apologize because it is not very thrilling.  I call it “How Blind Am I?” and this is how you play.  While wearing your glasses you find something in the room with fairly large print, like a poster or banner.  Then you remove your glasses and attempt to read the text.  Sadly, there isn’t a winner in this game, everyone who plays is losing their eyesight thus they are losers (meaning the having lost something, not like somebody who is lame and uncool, glasses don’t automatically make you lame, or smart).  Now, I still have not gone out for new glasses yet, but I think I’m going to go with something bolder than all my previous glasses (the thin wire framed kind).  I will have at least one person with me to help pick them out though, so hopefully I will find a good pair (or two depending on sales).

To those of you who have perfect eyesight and haven’t had to deal with contacts or transition lens that take to long to transition thus making you look like a tool, this post was not meant for you.  This one was meant for my fellow four eyed friends. 

May you all see well,

-LD 

It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Blog

I promised a Muppet Christmas Blog and here it is.  I may have waited until the last day but I couldn't decided which Muppet Christmas Special to choose and I didn't want to cram them all into one (each one could've had its very own blog in my series).  Why did I choose this one then?  Well, Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Family Christmas are so classic that I honestly was intimidated to write about them.  I haven't seen the Muppet's Letters to Santa since it originally aired and I honestly couldn't remember enough about it to do it justice.  That really only leaves It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie.  Also, I did end up getting this movie for my second cousin, Carter.

I'm not too worried about Carter finding out about this gift and the surprise being ruined for him.  For one thing, Carter is 2 so no offense to the little guy, but I don't think he even realizes who the Muppet's are really (which is totally okay for him since he is only 2).  Also, this gift is going to be given to him within the next 24 hours.  For somebody to really ruin the surprise it would take an awful lot of effort.  Also, anybody willing to go through that much effort to ruin a 2 year olds Christmas surprise is just plain wrong, like worse then the Scrooge but probably just under the Grinch.  I am also fairly certain that out of my few readers, only maybe 2 of you actually know who Carter is thus making it pretty hard for you to tell him if you don't know who he is or what he looks like (for those of you don't know, Carter is my Cousin Jared's son).

This isn't about my awesome gift giving skills though.  This is about a Muppet Christmas movie that is often overlooked.  Now, it is inspired by It's a Wonderful Life which my mother absolutely loves, I myself am not a big fan.  Now, luckily they don't do the "every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings" thing.  That little phrase is quite annoying.  Nope, it is just what life would be like if Kermit was never born, and as you could imagine, it would be pretty horrible.  Just like if the Muppets were never created, this world wouldn't be the same.  For starters, I wouldn't be typing this post.  Also, there wouldn't be a Sesame Street (I know, I just shuddered at the thought).  Imagine never seeing the Swedish Chef with his "bork, bork, bork" or Pepe ok (Pepe is the King Prawn who says ok after almost everything he says and Pepe is also awesome)?  No Gonzo or even Fozze Bear.  There wouldn't be anybody for the two old men in the balcony, Statler and Woldorf, to mock and criticize.  In fact, there wouldn't be a Statler or Woldorf.  My mind was just blown by trying to imagine a world without Muppet Treasure Island or any other Muppet related movie, series, or even special (like the Scrubs episode, which, Scrubs makes an appearance in this movie).  A world without Muppets is scary, but luckily we still have the Muppets.

I hate to put such a scary, Muppet-less world in your mind and run but that is exactly what I'm going to do.  You see, I still have to get ready to go spend Christmas Eve with some family.  Now, there is no way you can get mad at me for ditching out on this post early so I can go spend time with family on Christmas Eve.  If you do, well then you are the Grinch and I must admit, I feel honored to have such a celebrity as the Grinch read my blog.  I hope all of you are able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with your loved ones, in fact, I hope you were able to spend the entire Christmas Season with your loved ones.

Merry Christmas and God Bless you all,

-LD

Blogging All the Way

“Cookies? Who told you you could eat my cookies!?  Put that cookie down, NOW!!” (I really hope somebody was eating a cookie while reading this).  If you were unable to figure out the topic from the title or that hilarious quote, which is funnier in Governor Schwarzenegger’s accent, then I guess I will just tell you.  The 11^th Christmas Special being discussed in this series is Jingle All the Way (Thanks to a suggestion from Brad Thomas).  I just want to make one more quick mention of that opening quote; Governor Schwarzenegger yelling about cookies is immensely funnier then him shouting about getting to some chopper, and that isn’t just my opinion, it is scientific fact.

If you haven’t seen this film the main thing you need to know is that Governor Schwarzenegger (yes, I will be referring to him as that for the rest of the post) and Sinbad are two fathers after a sold out toy, a Turbo Man doll (or action figure).  Now, the Turbo Man was essentially like a Power Ranger.  If you were a little boy in the 90’s, you know how popular, cool, and awesome they were.  Well, take and combine Power Rangers with Tickle Me Elmo and you may come close to the popularity of what a Turbo Man doll has in this movie.  Turbo Man is bigger than big and hilarious situations occur while the two fathers pursue this hot, sold out item.  Nothing special as far as plot goes, as I’ve just told you, but teaming up Governor Schwarzenegger with Sinbad is genius, like teaming up Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor (who is not the father of Terrelle Pryor, one of 5 Ohio State football players who likes to sell off his awards).

Is it the Governor or is it Turbo Man?

One of the real keys to this match up isn’t Governor Schwarzenegger’s accent or his large rippling muscles, but instead it is Sinbad’s comedic timing and rants.  Yes, Sinbad who some thought was dead not too long ago (he is still alive).  In fact, I just saw his recent special on DVD.  I enjoyed this in my managers van on the way back home from my first business trip (I had special training to take in the Chicago area).  One of my fellow co-workers had brought it and if I do say so myself, Sinbad is still hilarious.  But that isn’t very Christmasy.  I have something Sinbad related that is Christmasy though, and it is not Jingle All the Way.  Every year my dad’s company throws a big Christmas party up in Michigan.  What would a GFS Christmas party have to do with Sinbad?  Really?  You haven’t figured it out?  Ok, I will tell you.  Sinbad was there.  No, he isn’t the newest night transit driver for GFS, but instead he was the entertainment and did a private show for all of the GFS employees.  Now, that is pretty exciting and both my mother and father thought he was hilarious.  In fact, my mom even got a bit of it on her camera and let me watch and it was good.  Hopefully I will be able to post the video on this blog.  If not, I apologize in advance for enticing you with the thought of a video clip and disappointing you when there isn’t a clip posted.

I feel like I’ve got myself a bit of a conundrum.  See, I don’t want my blog to take too long to read; otherwise it seems more like a burden to read instead of entertaining.  That having been said, if I am able to add the video that’s an extra 3 minutes added to blog time.  Instead of going on more about Turbo Man and the Governator (you knew it was going to happen sometime) I think I will make this my concluding paragraph.  That way by blog doesn’t seem to blog down your day (get it? Blog down instead of bog down.  That was punny and you know it, see, punny instead of funny since it was a pun).  Yep, that’ll do pig.

It’s Turbo Time,

-LD

Grandma Got Run Over by a Blog

You may be thinking to yourself that LD has finally lost it because Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a Christmas song, not a special, but you would be wrong.  It is actually both.  Also, it isn’t just some Christmas song; it was recently voted the second most annoying Christmas song played on the radio.  That’s a pretty big honor because it is on a list with Santa Baby (also a bad Christmas Special, with Jenny McCarthy), I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.  All of these are terribly annoying Christmas songs that cause the majority of us to switch radio stations when they come on.  One would think a Christmas special about one of these would be too unappealing to even watch once, but I’ve watched it at least 3 times (I have been ridiculed for watching it as well).

As you should know by now that there is really very little rhyme or reason as to whether or not I like a particular Christmas special.  One may assume I’d be ripping this one to shreds because that could be done very easily.  Well, I implore you not to assume (because it makes an…you should know the saying) because I actually kind of like this special.  I’m not sure why either, there isn’t really anything that sticks out as great to me and I definitely don’t like the song for which it was inspired.  Perhaps it is just the pure uniqueness of the whole thing.  It really is the only special I have seen featuring a missing Grandma, a wicked cousin, a courtroom, and fruitcake.  See, those 4 things and now I have all of you intrigued to this special as well.  Since I can tell you are all anxious to see this special now, I promise to do my best not to reveal too much of it.

Potential Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t Egg Nog that got Grandma ran over.  I won’t tell you what it was though.  Egg Nog is one Christmas tradition that I myself have never indulged in myself.  To me, Egg Nog just doesn’t sound appetizing.  I haven’t had it spiked either.  Even though I must admit I kind of want to try some Nog-A-Sake, a mixture of Egg Nog and sake (a drink I heard about from Andrew Bernard of the Office).  I really just want Nog-A-Sake because it is fun to say (and I hope you just said it out loud).  I guess also because it was mentioned on the Office, even though I haven’t been impressed with recent episodes of the Office.  But, this is about Grandma and her Egg Nog addiction not the quality decline of the Office.  I did say that Egg Nog did not cause Grandma to be run over, but she really did have too much.

Nag-A-Sake

Despite Grandma’s Egg Nog addiction, she did make the best fruitcake.  Now, I know that the topic of fruitcake has been done to death by just about any comedian out there.  I’m not calling myself a comedian to clarify, but I’m just saying the topic has been well covered.  With this topic being so well covered it would be crazy for me to try to add more to it.  Well, call me crazy.  The thing is I’ve never had fruitcake.  I’ve sold it when I worked at GFS but I never have tasted it.  From what I’ve heard from various people, including comedians, I think it has kind of a bad wrap (get it? Since it is Christmas).  To me, it sounds like a pound cake with Skittles in it.  How could that be so bad?  Maybe somebody should just start making pound cakes with Skittles in them and call them fruitcakes.  Actually, Skittles should patent the idea and call them SkittleCakes.  I would totally try a SkittleCake.  I’m not big on desserts but I love Skittles and I’m not against cake.  I think SkittleCake could be my best idea since December 15^th being Die Hard day. 

So, I don’t think I really talked about the special.  I may have mentioned it but the majority is more rants about Egg Nog and fruitcake (and the soon to be holiday treat, SkittleCake).  I feel good about that.  The random rants feel natural and organic so I’m leaving them.  Also, I like how my blog is self-aware.  I say that meaning that when I type I know it’s a blog and not some great piece of literature.  There are probably tons of grammatical errors but as long as it can be read an understood I’m ok with it.  I mean, this is for entertainment not some English course, am I right?  Of course I’m right.  It is my blog.  I’m always right (ok, I know I’m not always right, infact, I was corrected on the Elf blog that the whale with a unicorn horn is a real animal called a narwhal).  Anyways, I’ve kept you from trying to find and watch Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer long enough.

As for me and Grandpa, we believe,

-LD

Frosty the Blogman

I don’t know about you, but I build at least one snowman every winter.  It became a bit more difficult when I wasn’t living in out in the country with a ton of yard to work with but I still did it.  Some of you who know me will know that I built snowmen in the small grassy area by the W.E.B. and also in the front yard that the Highley’s (also Terel and Robbie for a small period of time) used to live.  This post isn’t about my awesome snowman building abilities though (but I am a pro), instead it is about the most famous snowman of all time, Frosty.  Frosty has at least 4 well-known specials which is pretty impressive, even though he has to share the title of one of them with that little red-nosed punkdeer better known as Rudolph.

Me with one of the W.E.B. Snowmen I built

Frosty is pretty great, he may not be the smartest character but he had a heart of gold.  When I say not the smartest character I’m being kind too (he was unable to count to 10).  But, he literally sacrificed himself to save that little girl in the first movie (this movie is old and popular enough I feel no need for spoiler alerts).  You may not remember, but she was about to freeze to death but Frosty saved her.  After finding a greenhouse (and if you haven’t been in one, they are hot and humid) Frosty, braves the heat and brings her inside.  Now, he ends up getting trapped in the greenhouse and melts but the point is that he did it all to save that little girl.  Like I said, not bright but heart of gold, well, classic Frosty that is.  No offense to John Goodman, but I’m not a huge fan of Frosty Returns.  The animation looks like a rip-off of Charlie Brown and it just seems too, I don’t know what but there is just too much of it.  It is a shame too though, because I do like Goodman’s voice for Frosty (I don’t care what you say, but to me he has the voice for a jolly fat man of snow).

Frosty...Duh

In fear of ticking off Jack Frost, I will give him a quick tip of the magic hat here.  If you are wondering what Jack Frost has to do with Frosty then you haven’t seen Frosty’s Winter Wonderland.  If you had seen it, then you will recall that Jack gets jealous of all the attention Frosty gets and attempts to ruin all the fun for Frosty.  Well Jack, I just want to say that I myself really like your very own self titled Christmas Special (which I sadly do not own…yet).  I know that without Mr. Frost there wouldn’t be any snow to make Frosty.  I also want to clarify when I’m talking about Jack Frost I am talking about the guy who looks like a chilly elf who nips at your nose, not that movie about the dead musician dad who comes back as a snowman.  Think I just made up that last part?  Go ahead; question my knowledge of all crummy Christmas movies.   Look it up, you will find that I am 100% correct.  Guess you just got Christmas movie owned.  Anyways, Jack Frost deserves props for snow so we can have Frosty.

Jack Frost (see, chilly looking elf)

Snowmen are great because they aren’t just Christmasy.  That is the very reason why I purchase some sort of snowman decoration for my dear mother every Christmas.  I literally (also, when I say literally it is in the correct context, I know the difference between literally and figuratively and if you don’t then you need to learn or you shouldn’t use those words at all, ever) started her snowman collection.  Others now will buy my mom snowman stuff because she now officially collects them.  I think that it is a better Christmas gift then any sort of Santa decoration (no offense to the big man) because you shouldn’t be displaying Santa all winter long (I guess it is “tacky”).  But a snowman on the other hand, you can keep those out for all to see up until spring time.  To me, you are getting a lot more bang for your Christmas gift that way.  Someday I should really get mom an actual Frosty figurine; she doesn’t have a legit Frosty one yet, just a bunch of generic snowmen.

I hope the weather soon will give me good packing snow so I can build my annual snowman.  I’ve never placed a hat upon ones head before so maybe this year I will try that because secretly every time I build a snowman I hope it comes to life like Frosty.  Seriously, if you know me then you probably know that I will do just about anything for the story but could you believe how awesome of a story that would make.  I could start up a whole new blog dedicated to stories about me and my snowman.  It could easily become a book.  Then it would become a crummy Christmas movie with sequels upon sequels.  I can see it now.  Well, now I’ve lost all interest in this blog and I’m daydreaming about the adventures I will have with my snowman, Franklin (like the puppet from Arrested Development).

Happy Birthday,

-LD 

Does Everyone Know What Time it is? Blog Time!!!

No, this isn’t a post about Home Improvement or Tool Time (which was actually a part of Home Improvement) but it is a post about the Santa Clause series.  The connection if you haven’t made it already is that Tim Allen is the star of both.  That’s right, the Tool Man replaced his Neanderthalic grunts for jolly ho ho ho’s.  He traded in his hot rod for a shining red sleigh with 8 reindeer power.  He’s trading in Al for a sidekick elf name Bernard.  He gave up his shop full of tools for a workshop full of working elves and toys.  I could keep going but they really only make sense if you have seen both and I question how popular they are with my blog audience.

That all being said, I know many probably don’t care much for the Santa Clause but my mother thinks it is pretty swell so I have bought for her the first 2 (she admits to not caring much for the 3^rd).  I must agree with her that the first two are pretty good as far as feature Christmas movies go.  Now, for me it is always difficult to please me when you are dealing with Santa.  As you may have noticed from previous posts, I have pretty strong feelings about how I like my Santa portrayed. Luckily for the Tool Man, he didn’t screw up the part.  They also did a good job of keeping the general Santa story intact as far as the elves and the milk and cookies and reindeer.  Sometimes when a movie takes their own idea about Santa they end up changing too much which turns me off to the whole concept.  This one was very unique and even I was able to get into it and support it.  I was also surprised at how jolly Tim Allen was once he put on the Christmas suit.  Though, now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have been.

Tim the Toy Man Taylor (lame I know)

Tim Allen not only did the 3 Santa Clause movies but he was also in another Christmas movie, Christmas with the Kranks (base on Grisham’s novel Skipping Christmas).  Granted, he does play a bit of a scrooge in the film but it is still a Christmas movie.  But that was after the Santa Clause movie.  What should have led me on to Tim’s ability to be full of Christmas cheer was Home Improvement.  I do believe that ther was a Christmas episode every year.  Most of them focusing around Tim’s obsession to win the neighborhood lights contest (usually his were over the top and extreme and he lost to some doctor).  Now, I’m not going to give Tim Allen a pass for life like I did Chevy Chase, but I would give him a many hug with 3 back pats for his roles in these Christmas flicks. Now, regardless of how you feel about Tim Allen as a standup comedian or actor, the fact remains that the Santa Clause can be considered up there in the top Christmas movies that were released in theaters along with the likes of Christmas Vacation, Jim Carrey’s Grinch and Christmas Carol, Elf, and various others (I really haven’t seen as many as I would like but I hear Fred Clause is good too).

Bernard the Elf (or the Dude from Numb3rs)

I know this is one of my shorter Christmas Special posts but I have a confession to make.  I know this is a public blog so it isn’t a secret, just a confession.  As you may know, it is well into the evening on December 20, 2010 and I have yet to begin wrapping presents.  I also have to completely clean house before any guests arrive which will definitely be on Christmas and maybe even before.  Instead of focusing anymore time on this I will begin to clean.  Hopefully I can get enough of a head start on cleaning that I can have time to wrap presents tomorrow (also, I have to wrap whatever my dad has bought for my mother).  Luckily, I have completed all of my Christmas shopping (even though one item isn’t due to arrive until Christmas Eve).  So with all this I hope you forgive how I rushed this blog.

Something clever involving Tim Allen and Christmas

-LD

Friends Call Me Blog Miser

If any one of you called me on my cell phone right now I would be altered with a ringtone of FM Static’s cover of Snow Miser.  This is because The Year Without a Santa Claus is my favorite Christmas Special.  I’m not saying it is the best Christmas Special, but it is my favorite.  The reason for that is mainly because of the Snow Miser and the Heat Miser (which Thousand Foot Crutch did a rockin’ cover of the Heat Miser song).  I’m not sure why but I truly enjoy their portion in the special.  Also, this special has my favorite version of Santa (the only reason it isn’t the one from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town is because that Santa is young throughout the majority of the special).  Well, guess that’s enough of an intro, let us dive in shall we?

I want to start off by defending Santa in his decision to take a holiday and skip Christmas.  Firstly, it was the elf doctor who told him that he should spend the day at home recovery from a bad cold.  Granted, he was a very scroogey elf doctor, but Santa was just following doctor’s orders.  Also, how old is Santa by then anyways?  I work for a retirement company and I can tell you one thing for certain, Santa is way past retirement age.  Sure, we all know Santa is magic but there is only so much magic can do to prevent the aging process, look at Dumbledore (also, I do not support the way ABC Family always shows Harry Potter during its 25 Days of Christmas).  Even if we take Santa’s age out of the equation, how many of us can claim we have enough of a work ethic to never take a vacation from work or school?  If you said you do then I will call you out as a liar right now.  We all need a break to recharge our batteries no matter what it is we are doing.  Also, even though he is obviously under the weather he still goes after Jingle and Jangle Bells (by the way, those are the best names for 2 elves ever) and little Vixen when they go to find some Christmas Spirit.  This act proves that Santa isn't completely selfish.  Also, Santa sings that song I had previously mentioned in another blog about how he believes in Santa like he believes in love.  Now, does that sound like a man who doesn't deserve a holiday?

Snow Miser and Heat Miser (in respective order)

Now, I can totally look past the fact that the main kid, Iggy, is a ginger.  Guess it is because of the Christmas Season also, the Snow and Heat Miser just the special for me.  I realize the songs they sing aren’t by any means masterpieces or really all that clever.  All I do know about those songs is that they are darn catchy and I love them (thus the ringtone).  Heck, it could’ve been these songs that subconsciously made me decide to play the trombone (heavily featured in the songs).  It was these songs that began my love for these two characters, so when they were given their own Christmas Special on ABC Family I had to watch it (and DVR it).  Now, the Miser Brothers’ Christmas wasn’t really everything I had hoped it would be.  The updated animation had me thrown off a bit and I couldn’t get past how much the North Wind (the bad guy in the special) looked like Jay Leno.  I could’ve gotten past the resemblance if Jay Leno would’ve done the voice for the North Wind.  I guess I just had too high of standards for the new Miser Brothers special.  Luckily, it didn’t tarnish my love for the original Heat and Snow Misers in the least bit.  I must be honest, of the two I prefer Snow Miser.  That is probably because physically I look more like the Snow Miser (tall and lanky) who is quite the devilishly handsome miser if I do say so myself.

Jay Leno...oops, I mean North Wind (see the confusion?)

Spoiler Alert: Santa doesn’t end up taking a holiday and Christmas goes on as planned.  You see, Mrs. Claus and the gang go through all this trouble to get people to let him have a holiday.  In doing this, the world reminds Santa of why he does Christmas in the first place.  There is a great scene where they show kids of every nation preparing Christmas presents.  Also, the best use of the song Blue Christmas is used in this special.  I don’t know about you, but when Santa blows his nose like a trumpet blast and tells the elves to prepare the sled for Christmas it brings a little tear of joy to my eye (my left eye to be exact).  I’m sure this is the Christmas Special that got me hooked on them and I can’t imagine a year without watching a Year Without a Santa Claus ( I know, a little lame and corny but if you know me at all then you know I had to type it).

There'll be no year without a Santa Claus,

-LD

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Blog

Today was this first time I had watched Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol and I was unsure what to expect.  I mean, I knew there would be 4 ghost (yes 4, because many forget about Jacob Marley’s ghost) and a tiny Tim because those are in every version of the Christmas Carol.  I watched it today because it was included in one of my Christmas Classic Collection sets.  Now with any Christmas Special I go into with an open mind and Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol was no different.

Now, I realize that the Christmas Carol isn’t the happiest story, well at least til the end.  There are many depressing aspects to this story.  That being said, I have never seen an animated/family version of the Christmas Carol that was so gloomy.  I was expecting more comic relief but the majority of that was just vague references to Mr. Magoo needing spectacles (for those who don’t know, Magoo is a pretty blind old man).  Usually I can fully appreciate old cartoons but perhaps I just don’t get Mr. Magoo.  I was able to look past the animation which is very basic but I just felt it needed more humor.  It’s not that it was a bad special by any means.  In fact, I liked how they switched up the order of the ghosts.  They actually had the spirits come with the Ghost of Christmas Present first and then the Ghost of Christmas Past flowing right into the Ghost of Christmases yet to come.  I’m just clarifying that I didn’t dislike this special.

Mr. Magoo

There were lots of musical numbers (probably because the premise is that Magoo is doing the Christmas Carol show on Broadway) which is always a plus for a Christmas Special.  The problem is that the majority of them are kind of sad.  There is one in particular that I really could’ve used some comic relief soon after, but it just didn’t come.  The song I’m discussing is when Scrooge is a young lonely lad.  He is in the school house alone singing about how alone he is and then the old Scrooge joins in the song.  How depressing is that?  Not all the songs are depressing though.  There is this song the Cratchit Family sings about what they want for Christmas Dinner.  It could be considered depressing but Tiny Tim gives it the old razzle dazzle (this is a great pun if you’ve seen it, because Tiny Tim keeps bringing up razzleberry sauce).  It’s quite cute and the song ends up having a very good message at the end.

Alright, I feel like I’m forcing this blog.  I guess I just need to relax and let it flow more.  I feel I’m over thinking it because of my unfamiliarity with Mr. Magoo.  The only experience I’ve had with Mr. Magoo before watching this special was the Leslie Nielson (I took a brief moment of silence after typing that in remembrance of him) movie in the late 90’s.  Leslie was a great comedic actor.  From Naked Gun to Airplane he has had some memorable roles.  Surely you must have seen one of the many films he has been in (and I hope somebody out there said out loud, “Don’t call me Shirley”).  Now, much like I said with Will Ferrel, I think Leslie is a hilarious actor, but I’m not necessarily a fan of all his movies.  I must admit, most of his roles late in life were not in films that I never saw nor did I have a desire to see.  He was in a lot of the recent spoof and satire movies which in my opinion aren’t quite as good as the older satire movies.  Spaceballs being one of my favorite satire movies of all time (I realize Mr. Nielson was not in Spaceballs).  Keeping with the Christmas theme I want to point out Leslie played Santa Claus in a TV movie called Santa Who?. Mr. Nielson will always be remembered whenever I watch the movie Airplane.

I hope the topic switch to a recently deceased actor didn’t depress you.  If it did, I apologize and I recommend you not watch Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol because it may depress you as well.  I don’t mean for this to sound like I’m coming hard on Mr. Magoo, but I guess it just isn’t the Christmas Carol for me.  The Christmas Carol for me is more up the Muppets Christmas Carol route.  Which I have been unable to locate in the stores so I count myself as blessed that I have friends who own it and will allow me to watch it with them (because that is what Christmas is all about).

Have a Razzle Dazzle Christmas

-LD