I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Blog

            Yes, I realize it has been months since a blog post.  Yes, I realize you assumed that I had moved on from the idea of having a blog.  Yes, I realize nobody is actually going to read this.  Yes, I realize that if I no that nobody will read this than I am currently talking to myself.  Yes, I realize that talking to yourself is one of the signs of insanity.  Yes, I realize this introduction bit has gone on long enough and has stopped being funny, if it ever actually was funny.

            Now with that out of the way let’s get right down to it.  I do not like the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.  I have recently been thinking about and dissecting this song in my head (not really sure why…probably that insanity thing) and I have come up with plenty of things I find disturbing about this song that might not be so obvious at first.  Only have a lot of unnecessary thought was I able to break this song down to the horrible Christmas song it is.  Now, you are lucky enough to get a peek at the inner workings of my brain (at least as far as this song is concerned).

            Let us first assume that the Mommy is just kissing Daddy dressed up as Santa Claus.  This seems to be the most common take on the song.  Even though it is actually Daddy, the kid still thinks it is Santa.  That being said, I can assure you the kid thinks his dad can beat up Santa (probably says it all the time on the playground).  The proof is in this line: “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”.  This disturbs me a little, because not only does this kid think Daddy would beat up Santa, but he thinks it would be funny (obvious this kid has been allowed to watch too many violent movies).  So now, we have a kid who thinks they just saw Mommy cheat on Daddy and he thinks it would be funny to see Daddy beat up Santa.  But this little kid is even more messed up than that.  This kid doesn’t even call mom out for cheating.  I have a theory on that, and it is based on this kid being a selfish little brat.  You see, even though this kid thinks it would be funny to watch Daddy beat up Santa, the kid also secretly wants Santa to be their new Daddy.  Why you ask?  Well, so this brat can have Christmas everyday.  This kid wants real Daddy out of the picture if it means presents and cookies everyday.  Let us remember, this is just how wrong this song is from the kid’s perspective.  Hold on to your Christmas sweater as we delve into Mommy’s psyche.

            For this we will have to look at the song from the less common angle, that Mommy is kissing the actual Santa Claus.  This means that not only Mommy is messed up, but that Santa is too.  Firstly, I know the obvious is the age difference (Santa is what, like 900 yrs old?).  Since it is so obvious, I will not go into detail about it.  The most disturbing thing to me is that both Santa and Mommy are cheating home wreckers.  Both are married (Santa has been with Mrs. Clause for close to a millennia) and both are sneaking around at night behind their respective spouses’ back.  All this while the kid is watching.  In Mommy’s defense, she may not realize the kid is up but Santa knew (because he sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake).  So, Santa is obviously aware he is breaking up a happy home yet he doesn’t seem to care.  Mommy obviously doesn’t care either and apparently the kid is just snickering about the thought of Daddy beating up Santa (see previous paragraph).

            If you ask me, let’s rename this song to “I Saw Cheating Mommy Kissing Homewrecker Santa”.  I say we get rid of the Christmas Infidelity song altogether.  If you want a Christmas song where a little kid sings it may I suggest “All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth” or “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”.  These are both better alternatives, plus they are cuter because the kids have speech impediments (I can say that because I was a kid with a speech impediment, if you didn’t have a speech impediment than you need to keep those kinds of comments to yourself).

 Here is wishing you a Merry Christmas,

-LD

Spoonful of Blog

Alright, if you know me then you know that I love breakfast foods.  One breakfast food that I could talk about for quite awhile is cereal.  Heck, I’ve had plenty of conversations just about cereal.  Now, I do plan to have several blogs based on just cereal so, since I plan on writing several blogs about cereal I will do my best to focus on just one type of cereal per blog.  That brings me to the very difficult decision of choosing which cereal will be first.  Actually, it isn’t that difficult now that I think of it.  The honor of being first should go to my favorite cereal.  The cereal with the taste you can see (I hope some of you have already guessed which cereal this is).  In fact, I crave those crazy squares (you should know by now).  Cinnamon Toast Crunch will have the honor of the first cereal blog written by me (guess it isn’t that big of an honor…now that I see it written out).

Those Crazy Squares

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is definitely my favorite cereal.  It has been for as long as I can remember.  Not only is Cinnamon Toast Crunch delicious with milk (I prefer the rich taste of whole milk with my cereal) but Cinnamon Toast Crunch is also absolutely fantastic dry.  In fact, I find it hard to keep Cinnamon Toast Crunch on hand.  It is so tasty I either eat bowl after bowl or if I don’t have any milk I will eat it handful after handful.  I would actually say that when I buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch and bring it home, I tend to eat at least one bowl right then and there before I even put it away in the cupboard.  In fact, just because I am typing this right now, 2 things are happening.  One, my mouth is beginning to water at the thought of those delicious cinnamon and sugar swirled squares.  Two, I am already planning to buy a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch today…maybe 2 boxes to be safe.

Obviously a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

As I had previously stated, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has been my favorite cereal for as long as I can remember.  You may think it strange at first, but I have fond memories of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  You see, the first person to introduce me to Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my Grandma.  In fact, she always seemed to have a box on hand for me.  It seems every time I went over there I would ask my Grandma for a bowl…and she never said no.  This actually led to an ongoing joke then with my Grandpa.  You see, I would always ask my Grandma for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch but I would never ask Grandpa (I think I was worried he would say no).  So, every once in a while Grandpa would over hear me asking Grandma for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and he would say, “Hold up, come here and ask me.”  Well, I would shyly walk over and ask him and he would sit there silent for what seemed like an eternity (probably 30 seconds tops but I was a kid) before he would finally smirk and say yes.  I eventually did learn to alternate back and forth with who I asked.  A very fond…and tasty memory of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

I have once heard a comedian, Mike Birbiglia, describe Cinnamon Toast Crunch as crack.  He used this analogy because much like a crack addict, he didn’t buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch for a later time.  When Mike bought a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch he wanted it for now, not a later date.  I know…the way I described it made it seem very unfunny, so I found a very grainy video of it on youtube and I have attached the link.  The Cinnamon Toast Crunch bit is at the very end…but it is only 2:25 so it isn’t that much of a waste of time. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOJXwBAxZQI ) With that I will conclude this Cinnamon Toast Crunch blog…hopefully to soon be enjoying a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

For those of you counting, I typed Cinnamon Toast Crunch 21 times,

-LD

My Car is Alive Blog

Now, I don’t mean my car is alive like K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider, though I do wish it would talk to me in the voice of Mr. Feeney (no offense to Val Kilmer but I didn’t watch the remake…or the original).  My car also hasn’t begun doing also tricks like the Gadgetmobile or the Batmobile.  Nor has my car begun butting into my personal life to help me solve a problem like Herbie.  You may be wondering how in the world my car could be alive.  You may think you have it figured out.  There really aren’t that many other options.  I am trying to build suspense but it really doesn’t work in a blog that is only 3-5 paragraphs anyways.  I could just never tell you but that defeats the purpose of the blog.  Ok, just skip on past the pictures and read the next paragraph.

K.I.T.T. and the Hoff

I see you follow directions well; I appreciate that quality in a reader.  You may be thinking that the only other way my car could be alive is if it was a Transformer.  Let me assure you it is not (at least that I am aware of).  But, if it was you can just about guarantee that it would be just as disappointed in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as everybody else.  Actually, an argument could easily be made that the first movie wasn’t all that great but I maintain that at least the first one was entertaining and had a little more that just special effects.  But, I must digress because this isn’t about Transformers.  If it was I would’ve started off with something more like “Autobots, roll out” or more likely I would’ve quoted lyrics from Touch by Stan Bush (the song from the animated movie in the 80’s).  I do secretly hope that you now have, “You’ve got the touch, you’ve got the power” stuck in your head.  But, you must continue on to finally find out how my car is alive (another suspense attempt).

If you don't know who this is I'm not going to tell you.

 Alright, we both (I assume there will only be 1 reader) know that the suspense attempt were mere gimmicks.  So let me just get right down to it, my car has feelings.  I know this because I obviously hurt my cars feelings.  I made a decision to passively car shop for a car that got better gas mileage since I have a decent sized commute everyday for work.  My car must’ve heard my discussion with my dad because it is now getting approximately 1.5 mpg better than it was.  It is obviously trying to avoid being traded in.  Now, I kind of feel bad for it, but not bad enough to stop looking for a new one.  I’m pretty sure the only way I will stop looking for a new one is one or more of the following happens.  My car becomes a Transformer.  My car begins to talk to me.  My car starts doing crazy things like the Gadgetmobile, Batmobile, or the Magic School Bus.  Lastly, my car fixes its air-conditioning.  I highly doubt any of these will happen so I am still on the lookout for a good car deal.

I would apologize for wasting your time, but if you chose to read this then you should’ve known what you were getting yourself into.

-LD

Bloggle Bloggle Bloggle

Let me start off by saying that grammar and sentence structure are no fun.  The lack of blog post could be blamed on my enrollment in school, thus I’ve been too busy with class work.  While this is the most logical and truthful reason; I prefer the following explanation.  I believe that I was in fact a sleeper agent for the Soviets.  I know it seems improbable since I am not Russian but go with me on this.  I believe that they (the Soviets) have been making me use any free time I may have on creating an idiot-proof way to make communism work.  I believe that after 2 months of trying with no results that they have moved on to the next sleeper agent on the list.  I digress, because you don’t want to hear of my attempts to idiot-proof communism, you want another mind numbing blog, so here goes.

Power to the Proletariat...(Seriously, I'm not a commy) 

Some of you may or may not know this (very few do because I haven’t really been advertising it), but I have recently started P90X yet again.  This is my 3^rd attempt to make it through all 90 days and I am quite optimistic about my chances.  Let us first quickly recap why the first two attempts failed.  The first time I attempted this 90 feat it was with some friends of mine (you know who you are, but incase you forgot you are: Nick and Melissa Highley and Jennifer Thomas).  Well, not to point fingers (Nick) but when one of the members of our workout group began to quit I too quit.  I know that is a lame excuse but it is true.  The second attempt was just under a year and a half ago.  I thought for sure I would complete all 90 days since I had an accountabilibuddy (few will get this joke but those who do, I tip my hat to you).  Even with Brad Thomas (that’s right, I called you out too) as my accountabilibuddy, there was just one thing that made completing those 90 days impossible.  Some may be asking what that one thing was, many already know.  Well, for those who didn’t already know, that one this was a ruptured disc in my lower back.  After more than a year though I am ready to begin this 90 day journey again, but you may be wondering what in the world this title has to do with P90X.  Be patient and keep reading.

Tony kind of scares me...

If you were guessing that bloggle bloggle bloggle was referring to turkey than congrats to you my friend.  Now for the big connection between turkey and P90X which would be…I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for continuing to read my blog despite the extended absence…the P90X diet plan (I know, most disappointing lead up of the year).  I am currently in the first stage of P90X and the diet plan, which is a high lean protein and low carb and dairy sort of diet.  Pretty much that means I get to eat lots of turkey products.  In one day, I had 5 different forms of turkey:  turkey burger, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, turkey jerky, and turkey deli meat.  One may become quite hateful towards turkey after so much.  I know I was quite hostile towards it, cursing the turkey bacon letting it know that it wasn’t really bacon.  I then had an aha moment (Mutual of Omaha should do a commercial starring me, because my aha moment was actually an aha moment unlike the vast majority of the ones in their commercials).  My epiphany to my turkey troubles was the realization that the more turkey burgers, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, and turkey jerky I ate, that meant that when I finally had the real thing it was going to make actual burgers, actual bacon, actual sausage, and actual jerky taste that much better.  This realization has helped me choke down turkey bacon burger with a little less disdain towards turkey.  May this help us all in our diet related angst.

Don't read too much into this picture, I like Charlie Brown and there is a turkey in it.

I want to apologize for the Soviets keeping me away from my blog and filling a few minutes of your time with some pointless ramblings.  I know, even though you may not admit it, that you missed these posts and that your lives were hollow and meaningless without them.  I want to assure you, provided that the Soviets don’t claim my free time once more, that I shall continue to provide fullness and meaning to your lives with my blog.

Gobble gobble,

LD

Post-it® Blog-it

Now, when I first started this blog I had no intention of using it to vent, but I’m guessing it was inevitable. If you are confused by what I could possibly have to vent about that involves the little, square, yellow (sometimes other colors and shapes) office supplies, then you should just brace yourself. I promise that even though I am using my blog to expel some discontent, I will keep it entertaining. With that being said, just sit back and listen (well, read).

I want to apologize if the title is misleading because the truth is I have no problem with Post-it® notes at all. In fact, I love Post-it® notes and my frustration is a result of my current employer switching to a different brand. For those who don’t know, a quick side-note about my job. I am a financial processor at Lincoln Financial and I work in a locked room at cubicle. I use various office supplies which Lincoln offers, including sticky notes. (I am not able to divulge any more information due to the highly confidential nature of my job). But, enough about me and my job because I’m sure you are on the edge of your seat waiting to find out what Lincoln switched to instead of Post-it®. Well, in the style of Ryan Seacrest (such a tool) you will have to wait until after the break (which just means the next paragraph).

Stickies™. Lincoln switched to a paler yellow sticky note from Staples® called Stickies™. Note only are they a paler yellow (which I personally find ugly) but the adhesive on them is atrocious. I quite literally have written notes on them and stuck them to the outside of my computer monitor only to have to continually re-attach them because they constantly come unstuck. It is quite the annoyance and way below my expectations of an adhesive note. It has come to the point that I am not only ranting about it online, but I have seriously contemplated purchasing my own personal supply of Post-it® notes to use at work. Staples® Stickies™ are such a poor product that I am making a statement to all of you who have accidentally happened upon this blog and for some reason kept reading, “Do not purchase Staples® Stickies™”. This is more of a warning than a command.

I would like to thank Arthur Fry for inventing the Post-it® note, and a special thanks to Spence Silver (sounds like a TV Character from the 60’s) who invented the glue on the back. I know, you thought it was Romy and Michele who invented them, but then you would just be one who was mislead by an 80’s movie. It is ok, because that can happen to the best of us. Much like an 80’s movie, Post-it® notes are iconic. You have never heard of somebody Stickies™-ing (that sounds so wrong) somebody’s car. In fact, many refer to all adhesive notes as Post-it® notes regardless of brand (much like they do with Kleenex® in regards to facial tissues). In fact, I myself have had some fun times with Post-it® notes. I have used them (more than once) as a way to add some decoration to a friend’s apt (each note having its own special message on it). But, as you can see from the lovely pictures I have added (for those who don’t like to read) there are many things Post-it® notes can be used for, all of which are quite creative.

I will end this post now before one of two things happen. Either I get really preachy about the importance of Post-it® and start an uprising against Staples® and the Stickies™. Option two is I get overly emotional and sentimental as I begin to recall all the times I have used Post-it® notes. It is also a good time to end because I am pretty darn close to being about the usual length of my other blog posts.

If you need to remember something, don’t just write it down, Post-it® (3M should pay me for that slogan)

-LD

It's a Bird...It's a Plane...No, It's LD's Blog

I am not Superman.  I know, you may just be thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I know you’re not Superman, you can’t fly and you don’t have X-ray or heat vision, you don’t have they curly cue or super strength or speed.”  All of this is correct but I was told I look like young version of Superman’s secret identity, Clark Kent, so I felt it necessary to assure you I am not the Man of Steel.  I will be including multiple pictures of actors who have portrayed Superman so you can decide for yourself, but I think it was just a far stretch for a compliment.

George Reeves

Christopher Reeve

When she told me I looked like a young Superman I thought it was absurd.  The funny thing is though, that even though I thought it to be absurd, I was still flattered by it.  In fact, I was quite flattered by it, enough so that I was still thinking about it 2 days later which is why I am typing up this here blog post.  Though, just to be clear, I haven’t been dwelling on whether or not I look like Superman these past 2 days.  I was mostly just reminded about it when I saw one of the more recent actors to portray the Man of Steel in another movie I rented on Netflix.  I rented Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, (Which is good, but I have a feeling I would’ve liked it a lot more had I been 22 when I was watching it) and Brandon Routh was in it as a Vegan (which I am the exact opposite of; I am what you call a Meatatarian, a term coined by Wendy’s in their Baconator commercials. There may be a Baconator vs BK Stacker blog in the near future).  So, the combination of seeing Brandon Routh and being reminded of my recent compliment has resulted in this post.

Brandon Routh

 I don’t plan to discuss the other Superman actors or really even Superman himself, which would be too predictable and mundane.  Actually, I am reminded of Metro Man (voiced by Brad Pitt who I know I look nothing like) from Megamind.  Metro Man is essentially Superman which is the loose connector I am going to use to segway into talking about Megamind which I recently saw at the dollar theater (for $3).  I was a bit apprehensive about this movie because I have rarely liked any star studded DreamWorks animated films, such as:  Madagascar 1 & 2, Over the Hedge, All but the first Shrek, and then most others I had no interest in seeing such as Monsters vs Aliens and Flushed Away.  This being said, I found Megamind to be quite entertaining and surprisingly enough, it wasn’t completely predictable.  If DreamWorks can continue to make films like Megamind and Kung Fu Panda I may just start trusting them.  Maybe, but there its going to take a lot of good to put them anywhere near Pixar, who I’ve learned to no longer doubt (though Cars 2 looks iffy).  Not sure where I was hoping to go with that but I’m going to end it with a recommendation to go out and rent Megamind whenever it comes out.

Dean Cain

Tom Welling

I didn’t include the newest Superman, Henry Cavill, because his movie/show hasn’t come out yet.  That being said, I wish they would’ve rebooted Superman years ago instead of doing Superman Returns because I really liked the cast in that.  I thought Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey were perfect casts.  But, I guess it is just cool to reboot everything now.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me enlighten you.  Another recent superhero movie franchise is being rebooted soon as well, Spiderman.  I take this one a little harder because I, like most, thought that the first two movies were excellent and only the third one was hard to watch.  I can understand replacing actors and ignoring the third movie but it seems so soon to do a total reboot.  It was less that 10 years ago that I saw Peter Parker first get bit by the mutated spider, and now I have to do that all over again?  I just don’t see the need to do a full reboot.  Just an upgrade is all we need.  For those who thought I was talking about Tron when I was talking about reboots, you are wrong on multiple accounts.  One, I was talking about Spiderman not Tron. And two, Tron Legacy is a continuation of the original Tron movie, not a reboot.  Since Disney has it’s hands on Tron you should expect to see at least one or two more of those in the near future.  But, Disney should be redeeming the Pirates franchise soon enough.  I feel I have begun to ramble to a point that is no longer entertaining.  With that I will end this post.

I am not Superman, but I do have an alter ego,

-LD

Blogsight is 20/20

Did everybody miss me?  Ok, guess you didn’t realize I hadn’t pumped out a post in more than a month.  Does this hurt my feelings?  No because you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (though they also say out of sight out of mind, so I’m not sure if “they” are a trustworthy source for quips of advice).  I believe my month long hiatus was well deserved after a 12 day non-stop Christmas Special themed blog series.  You may be wondering what any of this has to do with the title, and that would be nothing.  Sorry for boring you with a bit of an intro talking about my return from my break.  At least I didn’t do the super corny and lame thing and wish everybody a Happy New Year (wait, does that count as saying it?).

If you guessed, this blog post is about eyesight (not hindsight because that would be more of a year in review kind of thing and that’s just isn’t me).  Well, this post is inspired, like my other posts, by a real life event in my life.  It was a couple of weeks ago when I went in to get my eyes examined.  It was one of the luckiest eye exams I have ever had; well, as lucky as an eye appointment can get.  Firstly, some of you may not know but I have extremely bad eyesight.  I hide it well though…I wear contacts.  I actually wear the 30 Night and Day lenses (not to be confused with 30 Days of Night, which is a horrible movie about Alaskan Vampires) which have been approved for continuous wear.  Anyways, point being I hardly ever wear glasses.  I also play a game when I wear my glasses which will be further discussed later.

Seriously awful movie, I believe I fell asleep during it, like I did when I tried watching 300.

Back to the lucky eye appointment, well, firstly I found out that I had overcome an astigmatism in my left eye.  Now, the astigmatism really didn’t bother me much except that the contacts had to be specialty and thus more money.  So, my left eye basically manned up and fixed itself to save me money.  Also, something that was pretty darn cool about my contacts during this appointment is that after the exam, my left and right contact prescriptions were the exact same.  I believe that was the first time that had ever happened in my life.  It may seem pretty insignificant to you who don’t wear contacts but for us contact wearers, it is really exciting.  For the next year or so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m putting the correct contact into the correct eye.  I am trying my best to withhold my excitement about this but just so you know, I am actually as giddy as a school girl (which I hear is pretty darned giddy).  Now, I’m giddy about my cheaper and matching contacts, but that’s not where the luckiness ends.

Normally I have to get my eyes dilated which means I have to wear those really dark shades and light will give me a headache for the next few hours afterwards.  Well, you guessed it; I didn’t have to get my eyes dilated.  Since my optometrist was in a hurry since it was the end of the day she opted to do the digital imaging of my eyes, which normally costs $35.  That’s right, I saved money on my contacts, I got a $35 procedure for free, and I didn’t have to wear those stupid dark shades and I could enjoy watching TV headache free (well, depending on what I watched).  Now, I’m pretty well set as far as my eyes go, I just need to get a new pair of glasses.

Just adding a caption for poops and chuckles.

Well, I know you all skipped down to this part to find out what game I play when I wear my glasses.  I will apologize because it is not very thrilling.  I call it “How Blind Am I?” and this is how you play.  While wearing your glasses you find something in the room with fairly large print, like a poster or banner.  Then you remove your glasses and attempt to read the text.  Sadly, there isn’t a winner in this game, everyone who plays is losing their eyesight thus they are losers (meaning the having lost something, not like somebody who is lame and uncool, glasses don’t automatically make you lame, or smart).  Now, I still have not gone out for new glasses yet, but I think I’m going to go with something bolder than all my previous glasses (the thin wire framed kind).  I will have at least one person with me to help pick them out though, so hopefully I will find a good pair (or two depending on sales).

To those of you who have perfect eyesight and haven’t had to deal with contacts or transition lens that take to long to transition thus making you look like a tool, this post was not meant for you.  This one was meant for my fellow four eyed friends. 

May you all see well,

-LD