Yes, I realize it has been months since a blog post. Yes, I realize you assumed that I had moved on from the idea of having a blog. Yes, I realize nobody is actually going to read this. Yes, I realize that if I no that nobody will read this than I am currently talking to myself. Yes, I realize that talking to yourself is one of the signs of insanity. Yes, I realize this introduction bit has gone on long enough and has stopped being funny, if it ever actually was funny.
Now with that out of the way let’s get right down to it. I do not like the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I have recently been thinking about and dissecting this song in my head (not really sure why…probably that insanity thing) and I have come up with plenty of things I find disturbing about this song that might not be so obvious at first. Only have a lot of unnecessary thought was I able to break this song down to the horrible Christmas song it is. Now, you are lucky enough to get a peek at the inner workings of my brain (at least as far as this song is concerned).
Let us first assume that the Mommy is just kissing Daddy dressed up as Santa Claus. This seems to be the most common take on the song. Even though it is actually Daddy, the kid still thinks it is Santa. That being said, I can assure you the kid thinks his dad can beat up Santa (probably says it all the time on the playground). The proof is in this line: “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”. This disturbs me a little, because not only does this kid think Daddy would beat up Santa, but he thinks it would be funny (obvious this kid has been allowed to watch too many violent movies). So now, we have a kid who thinks they just saw Mommy cheat on Daddy and he thinks it would be funny to see Daddy beat up Santa. But this little kid is even more messed up than that. This kid doesn’t even call mom out for cheating. I have a theory on that, and it is based on this kid being a selfish little brat. You see, even though this kid thinks it would be funny to watch Daddy beat up Santa, the kid also secretly wants Santa to be their new Daddy. Why you ask? Well, so this brat can have Christmas everyday. This kid wants real Daddy out of the picture if it means presents and cookies everyday. Let us remember, this is just how wrong this song is from the kid’s perspective. Hold on to your Christmas sweater as we delve into Mommy’s psyche.
For this we will have to look at the song from the less common angle, that Mommy is kissing the actual Santa Claus. This means that not only Mommy is messed up, but that Santa is too. Firstly, I know the obvious is the age difference (Santa is what, like 900 yrs old?). Since it is so obvious, I will not go into detail about it. The most disturbing thing to me is that both Santa and Mommy are cheating home wreckers. Both are married (Santa has been with Mrs. Clause for close to a millennia) and both are sneaking around at night behind their respective spouses’ back. All this while the kid is watching. In Mommy’s defense, she may not realize the kid is up but Santa knew (because he sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake). So, Santa is obviously aware he is breaking up a happy home yet he doesn’t seem to care. Mommy obviously doesn’t care either and apparently the kid is just snickering about the thought of Daddy beating up Santa (see previous paragraph).
If you ask me, let’s rename this song to “I Saw Cheating Mommy Kissing Homewrecker Santa”. I say we get rid of the Christmas Infidelity song altogether. If you want a Christmas song where a little kid sings it may I suggest “All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth” or “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”. These are both better alternatives, plus they are cuter because the kids have speech impediments (I can say that because I was a kid with a speech impediment, if you didn’t have a speech impediment than you need to keep those kinds of comments to yourself).
Here is wishing you a Merry Christmas,
-LD
